English essay, 219 words

Recently, I've been trying to write some short essays in English... Having only 400 or even 200 words to express myself is a challenge, one I need to overcome.

The essays I write in Portuguese are very... technical? I don't know the word for this... But they are argumentative. I need to convince the reader of my point of view.

Writing essays in a foreign language, having a shorter word limit, and in a totally different writing style is quite hard. Yet, I think I'm getting better at doing this.

I wish I could show this to my friends, but I'm way too shy. I think it's good, of course, that's why I'm posting it on my blog, but I don't want them to make fun of me. Also, some of my friends can't speak English. Even though Portuguese is my native language and way richer than English will ever be, it's not just translating. It's capturing the essence and feelings I put into this, but with different words.

Anyways, here it goes:

When asked to talk about myself, the first thing my mind shifts to is knowledge. I've always been told that studying is extremely important, because one day, life may take everything away from me, but my intelligence will remain.

And today, for me, there's nothing I enjoy doing more than learning.

I long for receiving all the information I can put my hands on, to read all the books that were ever written, to speak all existing languages and be understood by humans from all backgrounds, to know everything about every single culture, and to be able to consume and comprehend all the amazing, meaningful things we call art.

We never know enough, there's always a gap needing to be filled.

And growing up, I realised that researching and developing critical sense was more necessary than I previously thought. When you chase wiseness and choose not to blindly believe and follow what others expect you to do, you open your eyes to the real world. You free yourself from the restraints those who hold the power placed on you the moment you were born.

Seeing things how they really are instead of looking at the cover-up made to fool the less enlightened has changed me forever, but the thirst I feel for the drops of knowledge has only increased.

I hope whoever is reading my essay will be gentle to me XD

I know it's not perfect, and I'm not bragging, I just wanted to share this. I know there's room for improvement.

But even if it's not the best text in the whole human existence, I do think it's a good one. When I look at it, I see part of my soul, my feelings... It's just a couple of words together, but it feels so human.

I'm kind of proud of myself. Not everything has to be perfect, anyways.

Shadows

I've been a horror fan since a very young age. I remember being interested in urban legends when I was 6, and becoming obsessed with SCP when I was 11.

I learnt English by reading the SCP Foundation website and SCP fanfiction on AO3. 

SCP is my biggest obsession.

Whenever I can, I talk about SCP. I am always thinking about SCP. I'm a huge SCP fan. I'm going on 16 now, by the way.

Of course, I'm a fan of analog horrors, horror films, backrooms, creepypastas... But I've never loved something or someone the way I love SCP. 

Still, I'm inspired by horror artists. The ones who create their own creatures and draw them in pictures taken irl. I've always wanted to create my own. I'm not as good as them, let alone I have such great ideas, but I will give it a try.

I've drawn a shadow person with a big grin. Not very creative of me. But I like shadow people. And I see them often.

I will try to draw some of the things I see irl.

I really like this photo. It was taken at the city museum, two years ago. It was full of nice stuff in there, and the lady who gave us a tour was very nice.

Obviously, it wasn't that dark. I just edited the photo a little bit. 

I sent this to everyone. My mother said she can see herself, her late father and a cat on it. I don't see where she took that from, but I suppose it has to do with her mental health, not my picture.

Someone said it looks like the backrooms entity called "smiler". I agree.

Usually shadow people don't have grins. But I like the idea of them having it. Adds a charm to them. Although, they do have eyes that shine in the dark. The first time I saw a shadow person, I was around 2 years old.

Me and my father were in my bedroom. Our house was getting cleaned or they were moving things from a room to another, because I remember that it was quite empty.

He was sitting on the bed, and I was in front of the big wardrobe we used to have.

I've always loved to mess with closets, and especially to get inside them. Maybe that's why I'm gay.

I threatened to open the door, just to slam it against the furniture again.

My father told me to stop, and I obviously, didn't listen.

When I finally opened it, I saw something that made me instantly close the door again and start crying out of fear.

A dark creature lurked within the empty armoire, its overgrown body shrunk to fit into the limited space, bright eyes staring at me. 

And unlike so many others I saw later in life, it had a large, ear-to-ear grin spread across its face. Almost as if it found humour in my fear.

I ended up hurting my fingers. Due to closing the door the moment I saw it, I unfortunately forgot to move my hand out of the way. 

My father can't remember this day. He was unaffected by the monster, too. I don't think he was able to see anything. He just laughed at me. And if I were to bring this up again, the same would happen.

It sounds absurd, so I kind of get him.

Abbey

I don't think anyone is going to read this. This blog was created to be an alternative to Instagram, since I disagree with the changes Mark Zuckerberg made at the start of the year. But I didn't really leave the app, and I haven't posted anything on this blog until I downloaded an app to send virtual letters.

I love using it, it's fun, people are nice, and I can send them pictures of my cats and dog. I posted some on this blog since I didn't know it was possible to share pictures on the app.

I got a new cat, just a few days after I started using the app. A white kitten with beautiful blue eyes. I named him "Abominável Gato das Neves" which means "Abominable Snowcat" in my native language, Portuguese.

We used to call him Abbey for short. I loved Abbey. Abbey was a very sweet kitten, full of energy, full of life. He was always playing and running around.

He had a complicated relationship with Nuti. She didn't hate him, but he annoyed her sometimes. Still, they used to nap together.

He was scared of Pompom, maybe because of his size. Pompom is huge, so I understand smaller animals being afraid.

Abbey passed away just a few weeks ago.

I was devastated. My mother also was. Abbey used to sleep by her side, I think he loved her more than he loved me.

I saw him after he had died. It was one of the worst things I've ever seen. My baby, once my bundle of joy, now lifeless, right in front of me. Words cannot express how much I miss him, and the things I would do to bring him back to me.

Everyone was very supportive. I got tons of nice, heartwarming messages.

But I chose to spend a few days away. Socialising would do me no good, and no one really wants to listen to my endless suffering.

I went through grief almost two years ago. One of my best friends lost his life.

It was a tragedy, but I don't want to go further into details.

I have been struggling with depression for years. Since before I was even 10 years old. Needless to say, it only got worse after that.

We were very close, since the day we met. We had a lot in common, but we also knew how to respect and cherish our differences. He was the first person in my class I came out to, and he never judged me.

He never made me feel like I was wrong for being who I am. He still treated me the same.

Of course, we've had some problems, lots of fights... mostly over football, others over more serious matters. Still, we always made up afterwards. And to be honest, I would see my favourite team lose one hundred times if that meant my friend would be here, safe, healthy, and alive.

When he died, part of my soul did the same, and I finally realised that death exists.

Of course, I've always knew that everyone would die someday. I followed the news, saw just how many people died everyday, but I never thought it would happen to someone I loved and cared for.

And when it did happen, I wasn't ready, and I don't think anyone can be. Took me three months to fully accept it, to fully realise that it wasn't some sort of joke or lie: he wouldn't come back. He was gone. Forever.

I let depression get the best of me. Misery consumed me, I didn't leave home for months, doing basic things was extremely hard, and I just wanted death to take me too. I never recovered. I was able to attend school for a few days, both this year and in 2024, but I was never consistent.

No one seems to understand me. In their eyes, I am just some lazy guy. Some people try to help me, but I think I'm beyond repair. I will never recover, and I feel so fucking useless, I'm good for nothing and I'm always suffering to the point it's irritating. I feel like I'm always bothering others, and being a burden to those who care about me. If I were them, I would have left a long time ago.

I thought I would never go through grief the same way I did. I thought I could handle it just fine now.

Turns out I was wrong. Abbey's death left me feeling so powerless, I couldn't do anything to save him. I had promised to take care of everyone around me, I didn't want to lose someone again. Yet, Abbey is not here anymore, I feel so guilty. And I don't even want to think about how he felt in the last minutes of his life. He was so helpless, so fragile.

Losing Abbey is something I will never recover from. I dream about him sometimes, and I think about him and my friend every single day. I will never forget them.

I hope they knew just how much I loved them. I miss them more than anything. If I could go back in time, I would, without even thinking twice.

Losing my best friend was kind of different from losing Abbey. Losing a friend and losing a son isn't the same.

And that's what Abbey was for me: a son.

Both events hurt me in ways nothing else did. The pain was different, but it hit me with the same strength. It's not the same thing, but hurts the same, I don't know if I'm even making sense.

Staying alive sometimes feels like torture, but I don't have the courage to do anything to myself. I'm afraid of the pain.

I am going back to replying to my friends and the virtual letters, I feel bad for leaving them on read. But it's so hard. I feel ashamed for taking so long to reply, like I'm not being considerate of other people's feelings.

If someone reads this, please, keep in mind that I'm not going to do anything to myself, and I'm not ignoring you either. I just need time to sort things out. Thank you for the patience.

I'm sorry for any mistakes and for venting. I meant to explain myself and talk a little about Abbey, but went out of control.

scroll for Abbey pic

Abbey 🩷 I will forever love you.

Pictures of my babies!

This is my cat Nutella, but I call her Nuti or Nunu for short. She's 7 years old, I adopted her in 2019! She's really sweet and likes to lay on top of me

She's very lazy 🦥

This pic is from 2022... She has really big eyes

Sleeping

She's very playful, in this photo she was playing with a few papers and my pen

I love this photo!!! She's adorable

She and her sister Melody love boxes

Leaving the box (it was for my school project lol)

I laugh so hard everytime I see this pic because she looks like that cat smurf thing

She sleeps on top of me soooo often

I love her so muchhhh

I think she's mad

Nutella with her newest sibling Pompompurin (Pompom for short, and yes, I named him after the Sanrio character)

His ears are so big I love him

Boxes, bottle and puppy.

He has got so big since then!!! I took this pic when he first came home. He was 2 months old, and he loves playing with plastic bottles!

My sweet boy Levi!! He's 4 years old, very calm (when he's not scratching the sofa with his claws) and he kinda looks like a cow

I love him so much he's so adorable, I tried to put a bow on him

LOOK AT THIS SO CUTE

Apparently, my pencil case is now his pillow

Dirty paws

Low quality Levi (he looks uncanny that's scaring me) doesn't want my dad to take the remote away from him

Melody!! My 7 year old, I got her in 2019 as well, just a few months before Nuti

She doesn't like me very much

We call her Mel for short

She hates everyone

Her eyes are very pretty I love her